Comfortably Uncomfortable

This whole year I have been struggling with me. It actually started in the fall of last year and out of pain came the questioning of who I am. I always wonder, am I just too much for those around me? Too colorful, too talkative, too opinionated, too involved, too different? Too much to handle to belong. All these words sound like maybe a middle-schooler wrote them, but they have been my reality.

Standing out is something I naturally do. I am not shy, even though I am an introvert. I have big hair and enjoy speaking in honesty. I try to be hands on and learn about the things around me to make them, and/or me, better. I am not an overachiever but I am not a bench-warmer either. I feel at times that I don’t fully fit in with those around me. I understand that, and I don’t blame them if our differences make it challenging for us to bond. The ironic thing is that I want to fit in while still being different. Those two things don’t really match. In order to fit in, we have to conform to some degree. When we conform, we put someone else’s preferences first.

On top of that, adulthood is a time where you are supposed to go on your own. There might not be visible ties, but there are certain opinions that carry a hefty weight. My personal desires sometimes go against these, and it is a struggle to go my way. I at times proceed with caution because in the back of my mind exist the questions of will I pay for it, or is my point of view truly valid?

All in all, I just have to wing it and go my way. I value people’s expertise and wise thoughts. I heartily believe that it is important to consider other perspectives and give importance to experience. I also care what people around me think, but I cannot live under their expectations because I don’t live their lives, but mine. I am the one that will live with my decisions. I have to stand up for myself and accept that I might be all alone at times, and remember that I am following what I believe in.

I wish that this was a decision that I could make just once. The strength is in making it over and over again, and getting used to feeling uncomfortable. In this space is where we find growth. We gain courage to try new things, go on adventures, and invest in new areas of our lives. We lose the fear of speaking up, and we start to take on new opportunities.

We are meant to live in community, but that does not mean we need to have a hoard mentality. I need to be me. No one else will do. Even if I please other people by being who they would like me to be, they would like my image and not me. I rather feel in a tight spot for being me than for being someone else. Appreciate others and always appreciate yourself.