For some unknown reason to me, in the last few months I have been questioning how to live my life. Little things as “why should I be eating this way?” to “should I further my education?” have been lingering in my brain, thankfully, not in a revolutionary way but with an independent flair. I believe that I owe this to my age. My thirties have made life more freeing while heavier, all while still giving me that feeling of a girl in high school, with many hopes and insecurities in her pockets. The difference is that today I feel as if I am flying and not running against a rhinoceros like a teenager.
Now, flying doesn’t mean that I am only going through luscious gardens and teal beaches. It also means that there are dark and thorny valleys I need to get through in order to get to the light. I am no longer tied by the authority of family, as children are. The winds can take me here or there, but my wings still have some control over where, how, and when to go.
The zero-weight feeling induces me to wonder. Should my child watch those cartoons? Should I be eating dessert after a meal? Should I dress in this fashion? Should I continue to work this way?
The question in my youth would have been why. My new question is should I. The why is not as important, because regardless of the reason, I still have a choice to pick. With age, comes more responsibility, and for those who have seen Spider-Man, we know that responsibility is a result of power. What seems ironic to me, is that for most of these questions, I have always had the power to decide. What I eat, what I wear, where I work, what we watch… all of those are questions I get to answer daily, even while I was under my parents. Only recently have I taken the time to not take those simple items for granted and decided to have a conversation with them, about their presence in my life.
What has been the result, you might ask?
I am still at the conversation level. Yet I can say that I feel layers peeling. Expectations and lies are being unraveled, giving me more power of my future and requiring more courage. It might not be as much as that high school girl would have needed, but going against the grain can only be done with courage. This time around, the grain is not on the top of my priority list to please. Years have taught me that I need to do what I believe is best, because criticism will arise regardless. I might as well be satisfied with my decision if I will displease people anyways.
I look forward to more of these conversations. I know that I will discover so much about me and I am ready for it. I am ready to understand myself better and continue giving myself permission to be, through grace.